Microbloat announced today that it has purchased The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, The Washington Post, The St. Louis Post-Dispatch, The Sacramento Bee, and The Christian Science Monitor. The announcement stated Microbloat hoped to consolidate the staffs of the six papers and make the form and content of their reporting more consistent.
Spokesperson Fookieu Uasahole of the recently privatized Federal Communications Corporation said that the FCC saw no problem with Microbloat's acquisitions of the six newspapers. He said "It would be unthinkable and unAmerican to restrict a successful monopoly from using its clout to enter another market area." "After all", said Fookieu, "What good is it to be an 800 pound Gorilla if you can't throw your weight around."
He also noted that since being privatized the FCC has cut expenses by 50% and regulatory actions by 100%, while simultaneously improving relations with international conglomerates. "Obviously privatization has worked even better than we expected," said the former VP of the Microbloat subsidiary CrushtheBastardsWhileTheyreSmall. (See www.crush.com for more information.)
When asked if there wasn't some danger in having so many top newspapers owned by one company, he said that at any moment the new Microbloat acquisitions might crumble. He pointed out that Microbloat executives have certified that Microbloat is terrified that its newly purchased empire will be eclipsed by the Bay Guardian and other alternative papers. And he emphasized that "We all know that when Microbloat certifies something then it has in fact been certified by Microbloat. Numerous experts, who have themselves been certified have attested to this undeniable fact." [Editors Note: In this context, certified means that a central certifying authority has plausible evidence of a specified kind that those responsible exist and can be located.]
Newly elected Speaker of the House Shaggy Gangrich didn't see any problem with the acquisitions either. He said that there was, however, a very important issue involved, and asked to be quoted at length. He said, "There is a consensus in this country that there is one God, one Super Bowl winner, and one Major League Baseball Champion. It's true that there are often three or four heavyweight champions, but really this is the exception that proves the rule. Whenever we are able to get down to a single heavyweight champion we call it progress. So progress is basically having one winner."
"Those of us who support progress define who or whatever wins as the best. So by definition progress produces the best. People don't want multiple gods, so why have multiple newspapers. Every consolidation is, by definition, progress. God bless progress."
Well known linguist and political gadfly Nominal Chomp, clearly angered by Gangrich's comments, gave the following terse statement, "The ancient Greeks believed in many gods and made major contributions to Western Civilization, but perhaps that's irrelevant since they actually believed in democracy."
Right Wing logician Richard Whalen of the Old School for Social Research countered that logic had advanced considerably since Aristotle and the syllogism. He went on to say, "The world has passed Chomp by. We don't wish to be transformed and certainly not by a grammar or a grammarian. In any case, right thinking comes directly from God and the Triatholon Commission and not from logic. Chomp probably beats his wife and uses illegal substances."
Consumer advocate and former Presidential candidate Alph Vader blasted the acquisitions stating that they seriously undermined what remained of our once free press. When asked if he could think of anything positive about the acquisitions he said that Microbloat had made an excellent choice of newspapers, which unfortunately magnified the disaster. He also mentioned that he was hopeful that the New York Times would now have comic strips and speculated that they would be in color.
When contacted, Microbloat chairman Gilliam Bates declined to elaborate on his position saying only, "I can't say it any better than Fookieu Uasahole!".
Copyright 1999 George Woolley
The views presented in this report do not necessarily represent the views of MAC Alliances nor even those of the author.